Silly season keeps on delivering for 2021 and riders are getting scooped up by the minute. We thought we had seen it all until the following press release arrived on our desks…
For Immediate Release: HEP Motorsports Suzuki signs Troy Dog
HEP Motorsports is always on the cutting edge of new ideas and bringing something new to the sport. 2021 is for new beginnings and stepping up our program a few more notches. To do this we hired someone who can do it all to the longest deal in sport’s history.
“We felt it was best to go ahead and sign Troy Dog from vurbmoto to a lifetime contract with our team,” team owner Dustin Pipes (might have) said. “We recognize talent when we see it and we covered all our bases to make sure a competitor can’t take him from us in the future.”
The lifetime contract has been done before loosely in gear companies in this sport, but it is unheard of in a full-blown team effort, especially one as highly esteemed as HEP Suzuki.
“I’ve known Troy Dog since before I went pro in 2010 and he has always been there for advice and exposure for my career and now as a team owner,” Pipes went on to (probably) say. “We’re pretty much best of friends… he’s like a brother to me.”
HEP has huge plans for Troy Dog in 2021. He plans on racing, cleaning the truck, cooking food for the staff, being a mechanic at a few rounds, directing the team’s media, and giving life advice to anyone who will listen. He has even purchased a special toothbrush to clean the team’s boots.
“Broooooooo, I’m soooo pumped that the infamous Troy Dog will be joining our squad,” Team Captain 7DeuceDeuce Adam Enticknap (maybe) said upon hearing the news. “This is sooooo sick. He is getting featured in my next album fersure [sic]’’.
National standout and world class racer Max Anstie is also excited about his new teammate.
“Blimey, this is pandemonium! When I first heard the news, I thought it was a dogs bullocks. Bobs your uncle when Troy Dog is on the squad,” an ecstatic Anstie (probably) exclaimed. “Absobloodylutely, pints and fish and chips for everybody! Shoutout to my bangers, my beans and mashed.”
On top of laundry duty and being a man friend, HEP expects Troy Dog to be a top five threat next year in 450 supercross.
“It’s a huge ask to expect a 30-year-old who hasn’t ridden a dirt bike in two years to come off the couch and be a top five threat with the best riders in the world, but if anyone can do it it’ll be Troy Dog on his #RMarmy,” Pipes (would have probably) said. “We just need to get him to stay focused.”
Troy Dog comes to HEP with 10 years of professional media experience. He has previously raced local A class for a season or two, but is way faster than Bird Dog, Slaw Dog, and especially Chili Dog. [Ed note: He’s definitely NOT faster than Slaw or Will Posey. -Slaw]
“We actually don’t have anything in the budget to pay him anything. We just put a contract in the mail—just sent it standard, no next day air mail or anything—and he signed it. We honestly thought it would just get lost in the mail and that he would just forget about it,” Pipes (definitely) said.
HEP Suzuki needs to add that Troy Dog had one demand in his contract:
1.) Should Troy Dog finish in the top three, he has the right to bring up as many as 17 dogs on the podium with him.
When asked how he settled on the number 17, Troy Dog simply replied, “Because 18 would be too many.”
HEP has approved this demand.
We look forward to 2021 and the rest of life with our newest team member.
The release concluded with:
HEP Motorsports could not reach Troy Dog for a further comment.
As of this release, Vurb could not reach Troy Dog for a comment either and he is late on this week’s column. If you have any ideas of his whereabouts, please contact Slaw Dog. Stay tuned for further developments.
Main image: HEP Suzuki