Kyle Cowling
Advisory:
Please note that this story is written in the tone of humor and sarcasm. It is not meant to be taken seriously, nor does it reflect any of our thoughts or opinions on any and all riders discussed within this article. We live in some strange times these days, and we need to bring back some humor into this sport. And, that is all this is. We can’t take ourselves too seriously, otherwise what is the point? So, once again, this is pure satire and we respect and support all riders discussed within the body of this story.
Words:
Dore Schary………………..KYLE COWLING DORE SCHARY
Starring:
Nancy Kerrigan………………..CHRISTIAN CRAIG
Rob Lowe………………..COLT NICHOLS
Yosemite Sam………………..BOBBY REGAN
Sheldon Cooper………………..MICHAEL MOSIMAN
Fonzie………………..HUNTER LAWRENCE
Asa Akira………………..JO SHIMODA
Tonya Harding/Donkey Kong………………..VINCE FRIESE
Leonard Hofstadter………………..SETH HAMMAKER
Amir Garrett………………..JALEK SWOLL
Ray Romano………………..NATE THRASHER
The Whoops………………..THE WHOOPS
AMA………………..AMA
I have to admit, I’ve never seen West Side Story and I don’t know that I have any interest in ever watching the film. Namely, my reasoning is one, simple answer: I don’t like musicals. I find them to be both wildly stupid and endlessly pointless. Why on Earth do I need to watch a movie turned into choreographed dances and over the top singing that make no point to anything? Seriously. When was the last time you were out and about and saw a mob of people burst into song about a dilemma they are facing? The answer? It’s never happened to you. It’s never happened to me. And it will never happen. And, no, flash mobs and weird people that walk into restaurants screaming “It’s not food, it’s violence” do not count. The closest would be a homeless individual who is on serious narcotics. But, that’s not fun or funny. Just like musicals. Both need a remedy to make the issue stop. But, I digress. West Side Story is a hell of a cool name. So, in keeping with that idea, I have decided to steal the name from said musical for this article, which is about the first six rounds of the 2022 250SX West Region, which I have decided to call the West Side Story.
When I first came up with this terrible idea, I thought about harkening back to my years as a journalist for TransWorld Motocross Magazine and reach out to different riders to get some quotes in order to better build out this story. However, I am no longer a journalist, nor do I have any interest in wasting my time reaching out to riders for a quote. Instead, I have decided to forego that ethical concept and simply write about what I saw and how I saw it. Unfortunately, I only went to one Supercross race this year, which was round three at Petco Park in San Diego, CA. The rest of the rounds I watched from home and, the Glendale, AZ race… I never even watched. I just saw that one clip when Tonya Harding tried to kill Nancy Kerrigan at the beach. So, not only does that mean I am unqualified to write this, but also this article will be rife with subjective opinion, devoid of any and all facts in order to fit in with how an individual is suppose to operate in 2022. #Death2Facts.
Most likely, this will also be my demise as nobody will ever want to work with me again. So, to make sure that does not happen to me, this article wasn’t actually written by me. It was written by the former Head of Production at MGM Studios from 1948 to 1956, Dore Schary. Alright, Dore; take it away…
Upon viewing the entry list for the 2022 250SX West Region, it was, uh… Feeling a little light on the heavy hitters. While we did have top tier, championship individuals like Christian Craig, Colt Nichols, Hunter Lawrence, Michael Mosiman, and Jo Shimoda, it was about there that it felt like things started skewing towards the opposite side of the scale. And, while it’s turned out to be an oddly exciting and dramatic series with twists and turns, the field only thinned out more by the time we rolled into to the 624th Anaheim. But, hey, you gotta be in it to win it, right? Right.
And, with that, enter one of our characters in the West Side Story: The Whoops. For many moons, we have all known that Nancy Kerrigan has whoop speed unlike anybody else. If Red Bull decided to make a Straight Rhythm course that was only whoops instead of rhythms, Kerrigan would not only win, but nobody else would sign up because their asses would be handed to them faster then the time Ronda Rousey knocked out Alexis Davis in 16-seconds at UFC 175. But, right now, Nancy’s whoop speed is beside the point. The Whoops came into Anaheim 1 with vengeance and it all came to a head in the first 250 heat race of the season when they reached up and grabbed the 2021 250SX East Region Supercross champion, Rob Lowe, causing a season ending injury with two broken arms and severe burns to his body. We can only speculate what team owner of Monster Energy/Star Racing Yamaha, Yosemite Sam, was thinking, but surely it was similar to his frustrations when unable to catch Bugs Bunny, “that dirt parka shark a back flat’n port’n villa bunka borton perka luma burton durton bosh da nat’n bart’n da naddah oooh!” While it was surely a devastating gut check to both Lowe and Yosemite Sam, Sam still had two more characters in the West Side Story looking to bring home wins for the team. That of the aforementioned Nancy Kerrigan, and Ray Romano.
With Lowe effectively out in the first race of the new year, it was time for the second 250 heat race of the night to take the stage. And, Cincinnati Reds pitcher turned professional Supercross racer, Amir Garrett, went down in a ball of flamesbefore the field could even complete half of a lap. Amir had a mid-air collision with Monster Energy/Star Racing Yamaha’s Ray Romano. While many of us love Raymond, I can assure you that Amir was not only hating Romano and his famous sitcom from the mid-1990s, but wishing he was still on the mound, making his $1.5 million dollar a year contract to throw a ball 60.5 feet to his catcher vs the $40 dollar a year contract to race a dirt bike. But, as we know running a dirt bike website that nobody looks at, it’s not about the money but about the passion. And, if you ain’t got passion, you ain’t shit. Or something. I dunno. Nonetheless, as an Amir Garrett fan, it was disappointing to lose another high profile racer in less than 30-minutes. But, because of the current MLB lockout and what looks like a potentially cancelled 2022 MLB season, Amir has put all his eggs into the dirt bike basket. At least, I suspect, until the lockout ends and the MLB season comes to fruition. One thing is certain, though. As we will soon learn, The Whoops will be happy to know they were not to blame for Amir Garrett’s hefty crash.
Throughout the chaos that was A1, it was Nancy Kerrigan taking the main event win followed by the 47 of Leonard Hofstadter, and the number 96 of Fonzie to fill out the podium. The win by Nancy commenced an Internet shit storm of potatoes providing their two cents, which is something we will touch on throughout the saga of the West Side Story. One week later, the series moved onto Oakland, CA inside of the RingCentral Coliseum. The highlight of Oakland, CA is when you are leaving the city and heading back to your original destination. Unless your original destination is Los Angeles, CA. In which case, we’ve reached an impasse and I am simply sorry that you live in either one of California’s best attempts of creating third world countries.
The Black Hole, as locals refer to the coliseum, was just that for a few of our characters. While Nancy, once again, easily won the race to make it two for two, things weren’t as pretty for our other characters. Asa Akira (I’m sorry, but I simply cannot hyperlink her name without being fired from my position at MGM Studios. IYKYK) was able to get a holeshot and lead some laps prior to stalling the green machine and almost receiving a slam up the rear from Nancy. From there, Asa proceeded to drop the front end in The Whoops, and cart wheel off of the track before finishing a disappointing seventh place. However, with such a clean dismount and efficient form getting back up, I was told that both Nancy and Tonya scored Asa with an 8.5 out of 10, which means Asa is in qualifying contention for the Olympics, where the athletes earn no money so they can compete on the biggest stage in the world (Huh. Seems fair). Thus, clearly showing us that dirt bike racers are not actually underpaid at all. Meanwhile, Sheldon Cooper was moving his way through the pack before a small tip over while day dreaming about his friend that is a girl but not his “girlfriend” Amy Farrah Fowler. This lapse in thought meant a fourth place finish on the night. As for Fonzie, he tried to hit the jukebox at the right time, but miss-timed his punch and was forced to work through the field to a second place finish while Leonard Hofstadter rounded out the podium for a third, earning his second straight podium which, I suspect, means that his girlfriend, Penny, no longer has to work The Cheesecake Factory. With two rounds in the books, it was pretty clear who our top performers were going to be. However, iTonya was already looking into a contract hit on Nancy. It was only a matter of time…
Let’s examine. Trying to pass Tonya Harding is the obvious equivalent to making a pass on Donkey Kong while playing Super Mario Kart. Donkey Kong isn’t fast enough to be up front, but somehow, he is always up front. And, as if his magic powers are eyes in the back of his head, both Donkey Kong and Tonya share the same ability to literally hold up the race pace and create a freight train of traffic behind them. Or, if you dare pass, he will simply shoot his red shell at you when you do pass so that you die. So, you either sit behind Donkey Harding, or go for the pass and simply accept the fact that the red shell has been ejected, locked onto you, and there is a 95% chance you’ve run out of lives. It’s risky business that the entire 250 West Coast field isn’t paid enough to navigate, yet the AMA is so afraid of Tonya and his management that they’ve let the athlete commit a level of genocide on riders we may never see again. It makes for drama and allows all of us something to talk about. But, as one unnamed rider explained to me, “If you’ve never dealt with Tonya for yourself, you have no room to talk because it is the scariest thing you will ever encounter on the race track. It’s like Tonya blacks out and goes into kill mode without a thought.” Anyways, more on this later.
Theoretically, there is always one individual that dominates the West and/or East divisions. In years passed it has been guys like Kevin Windham, Michael Pichon, Stephen Roncada, Travis Pastrana, Ernesto Fonseca, Ricky Carmichael, James Stewart, Jake Weimer, Ryan Dungey, and so on. We also have years that come down to the wire like the 2000 125cc West Coast Supercross Championship between David Pingree and Shae Bentley. Shagnasty beat Ping by a mere two points. Now, in 2022, it appears after only two rounds that Kerrigan is simply the one to beat.
Aside from the unfathomable whoop speed, the flat out raw speed being shown throughout the entire track hasn’t quite yet been matched by Fonzie and friends. And, this coupled with the age of Kerrigan, it has caused a lot of potatoes to use their social media pages and the endlessly irritating message board forms to voice their opinion on the matter. Remember, I did say we would be coming back to this topic.
At 30-years of age, the series points leader was receiving a lot of unflattering attention by potatoes for, essentially, picking on the 250 class which is meant for the young kids. Kerrigan had to take to social media to explain why, after 11-years in the 250 class, the Yamaha pilot has not pointed out of the of the 250 class. And, the answer? A combination of injury after injury, an attempted retirement, and then a comeback that has since been riddled with injuries and some of the worst luck I have seen. And, that’s coming from a San Diego Padres fan, who has watched their team shit the bed for the last 16-years in a row (yes, the Padres were totally a professional MLB team in the mid-to-late 1940s. Why would you ever think they weren’t??????????????????theydidn’treallyexistthen??????????????????).
2016 was the only year that we saw Kerrigan complete a full Supercross season in the 250 class (but, again, I said we weren’t going to acknowledge facts, so please disregard all of what I just said). Couple that with the fact that Nancy would give anything for a full-time factory 450 ride yet has not had any opportunities in accepting such an offer, there is no need to, essentially, race a 450 as a privateer, for free, when Kerrigan can earn a healthy living, win races, and contend for a championship in the 250 class under the tent of Yosemite Sam. Any of us in the same situation would be doing exactly the same thing. And, if you say you wouldn’t, that is like saying former President of the United States of America, Donald Trump, never made a false or misleading claim. The fact is, he did (roughly 30,000 in four years) and you would be doing the same thing as Nancy. Don’t worry, I would be making the same decisions as the number 28, too. Because, you know, supporting a family and stuff is kind of an imperative responsibility when compared to paying out of your own pocket to go race a dirt bike. Disagree with me all you want. But, remember, I am Dore Schary, former Head of Production at MGM Studios. I died on July 7th, 1980. So, I am simply a ghost that can’t see, hear, or read any of your piss poor potato arguments. The perks of being a dead man, I tell ya. Also, #Death2Facts
Now, three weeks later, we find ourselves hanging out in the Whales Vagina with Ron Burgundy. Asa Akira and friends are looking to disrupt the momentum of Nancy like Veronica Corningstone did to Ron’s teleprompter. And, if these characters in West Side Story could do that, would this cause Kerrigan to become frazzled and buckle under the pressure like Ron did? Would Kerrigan become a glass case of emotions that is drinking a warm bottle of milk on a hot summer’s day? Well, we would learn two things at Petco Park. The first one was that Kerrigan has clearly channeled his inner David Goggins that simply “stays in the fight.” The second is that we saw Tonya Harding’s first attempted hit on Nancy (I cannot find this clip anywhere on YouTube, but that’s okay because #Death2Facts), which would foreshadow what was soon to be looming on the sandy shores of Glendale, AZ.
Here’s how it happened: the 250 main event in San Diego commenced and it left Asa Akira falling on top of Nancy in the first turn like, well… Figure out your own weird analogy for that one. This meant Sheldon Cooper and Fonzie had a battle for the win all to themselves. And, a great battle at that. The fans were split between watching Nancy carve through the pack faster than Wes Williams smashing the decline button when I call him, and Fonzie trying to conquer the nerd for the win. What stood out to most about the battle for the lead was the amount of attacks Fonzie made on Shelly. It was like a real life episode out of Happy Days, watching Fonzie do work on the pretty young ladies until it was time for him to make his move. And, almost aways, Fonzie’s moves worked out well for him. However, our dear friend, The Whoops, would sneak up and grab Fonzie to say, “You maybe cool, and you maybe able to turn on the jukebox when you punch it, but when you ride me that hard, Imma show you who is the real boss.” And The Fonz went down at the tail end of the whoops, smashing into the rear of Shelly like Asa to Nancy. Shit, man. This is really getting weird. I’m sorry.
If we know anything about Fonzie, it’s that he does not give up when rejected. If he really wants something, he will go after it. And, a win inside the Whale’s Vagina is something he wanted badly. So, he put his head down, made a late race charge to catch Sheldon, he told The Whoops to, and I quote, “Fuck off. Vegemite is life” and picked up the Jukebox and hurled it at Shelly Cooper in hopes he could get that win. But, somehow, someway, Sheldon, the astro physicist avoided the flying jukebox and held onto the win while Fonzie had to settle for a very close, and very much well-earned second place finish on the night. As for Nancy? He came from last place to third place in 15-minutes, plus a lap, completely assaulted The Whoops, avoided an attempted assassination by Tonya, and proved to the field, industry, and fans alike that we in fact have a Nancy Kerrigan we have never seen before. And, if you don’t like it, tough shit. Go cry to your 22 Instagram followers, because Nancy trying to go to the Olympics to win it all like Shawn White and retire.
And, just like that, I am tired of writing this first chapter of the West Side Story, so now this chapter comes to and end. I can’t say when chapter two will be complete and live because I haven’t even commenced writing that chapter. But, it is coming. And, you know what that means. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: a heavy look into iTonya’s assassination of Nancy Kerrigan on the beaches of Glendale, AZ. Does Kerrigan make a full recovery? Did Nancy die? Is this how it all ends for the series points leader? Will Tonya face any consequences for their actions? Is the AMA even alive? Or, are we simply living in the times of the Wild West? Lawless and void of structure and sense because the bully in town chased out the sheriff? These burning questions and more will be answered in chapter two of West Side Story. As written by Dore Schary, a dead man and former Head of Production for MGM Studios from 1948 to 1956. Not written by Kyle Cowling. At all. Ever. Never. Not possible. Never heard of her. WUT?
Main Image: Yamaha
