Troy Dog
I owe you guys. After years of being the face of Vurb, I went ahead and left you hanging. I haven’t written a single piece of content for this site in six months. I apologize. Ever since that clown Slaw Dog took over, this place has gone downhill. So, now I’m back to give you what you deserve.
Am I still salty about my AMA Media Member of the Year Award going to Weege? Well, I was robbed of that, but I was only at the helm here for like six months. So, had the AMA had a Media Member of this certain six month period, then I won that no problem.
I’m back…for at least today because I felt inspired. Ever since I saw Jett Lawrence’s bodyguard, I’ve been thinking about how this sport has never seen anything like that.
I thought about what current riders would I hire to be my bodyguard? To be honest, most of these riders are softer than drug store cotton. They couldn’t even take a hit from my four-year-old after he found out that he’s watched all the episodes of “Superkitties” and they aren’t making any more (yes, that means you Cade Clason). Come along with me on a magical journey as I decide which current riders I’d hire to be my personal bodyguard.
Slaw Note: I would not need a bodyguard because I am the baddest dog on the planet.
5. Benny Bloss
When you look at Benny, he may be a bit intimidating. He’s 7’8 and has a bald head fetish. However, when you get to know him, you realize all that’s for show and he’s just a giant goofball who sucks at singing and is terrible at picking out football teams to cheer for. The good news is, if I ever want to use him as my security guard, I could hide behind him like a tree. He could also scoop up a threatening individual like he’s Groot.
4. Garrett Marchbanks
You don’t get the nickname “Manchild” for nothing. Ever since Marchbanks turned 7 he’s had a full man beard. He’s also built like a good choice at tight end for any playoff contending NFL team. Under that hard exterior, he’s a laid-back teddy bear and I can’t be mad at that. Although I still feel like he could take someone out if I needed him to.
3. Chase Sexton
Chase is thiccc with three c’s. I mean, just look at that hero image above. As the years go by, I feel like he just keeps getting stronger and taller somehow. In my opinion, he’s the strongest rider in the sport. He’s just missing dad strength, but just wait until that kicks in when he has children in a few years. He’s got the child bearing hips to do so.
2. Eli Tomac
Oh yes, father Tomac. Say what you will, but Eli has mastered the intimidating serious face. Has he gotten softer now because he’s showing his personality and laughing more? I’m still not going to be the one to say it. He’s proving that he’s not actually a robot. (Please don’t block us again.) We honestly thought he might be over the years. With that stone cold face, and dad strength, I can’t possibly think of a better bodyguard. Are you gonna mess with Tomac? I don’t think so! Tomac you are hired… Oh wait a minute I just thought of a better choice.
1. RJ Hampshire
Yes, out of all the riders in this sport I would want RJ to be my protector. Hear me out! Over the years we’ve seen RJ take hit after hit and get back up again. So, if I’m ever in any real danger, I know that Rick could get dropped over and over again while I run to safety. I just know he can take a hit. He rides 24 minutes after surgery. The dude is basically Rudy and for all the kids in the room right now, it’s a football movie. Go ask your mom about it. Rick has the upper hand when it comes to fighting in the rain. You’ve seen him slide HARD many times in those conditions and I’m gonna use that to my advantage. Congratulations RJ and welcome to my security team.
Benny has superb taste in football teams.