A Vurb Investigation: Does Having a Cool Name Make You Fast?

Calling us scientists may be a stretch. Intellects? Not really considering how many White Claws we shotgunned at Loretta’s. It’s not like we hold a degree in scientific theory or anything. But that’s never stopped us before. And after reviewing the results list from Loretta’s with a microscope (all scientists own a microscope) we have developed a new theory.

We posted an observation regarding red heads and how washing your hair in the blood of your enemies has proven to create champions. Look no further than Ricky Carmichael, Tim Ferry, Ryan Villopoto, Trey Canard, the list goes on. But, to be honest, this theory has been explored before, so we’re diving deeper into our science books to see if what you name your child has any relevance at all to future success.

Move over Adam, Eli and Jason and make way for Maximus, Stilez, Jett and Ryder. The list of “fast” names at Loretta’s was absolutely astounding. Like true scientists we went through the proper steps to confirm this. Observation -> Hypothesis -> Scientific Test -> Establish Theory. You picking up what the Bird Dog is putting down yet? If so read on to have your mind once again blown.


Pretty simple. We looked at results and noticed a metric ton of names that are way cooler than Ken or Dylan or Cooper. Sorry, fellas, but we think you’ll agree that it’s time to make room for dudes like Kash Cain, Tiger Wood (yes, he actually raced Loretta’s), Chance Hymas and Maximus Vohland.


The question is simple, does a fast name give you a better chance at winning titles than an average name? Furthermore, what if you have a fast name and also have red hair? At this point the possibilities are endless and dare we say almost guaranteed.

Scientific Test

Again, we’re smarter than the average bear, but this was also easy. We just looked at results again, added in the naked eye test and checked out some lap times and by gosh darn we found out that most of the kids with fast names were faster than a Jimmy Johns sub delivery.

While there were some quite boring names that also landed on the podium, throwing out the idea that a fast name is a necessity when hunting gold medals, it definitely doesn’t hurt.

So if you want to breed the next world champ, consider not only marrying red, but don’t overlook naming rights. It’s the details that count and this may very well land your little bundle of joy under a factory tent one day.

Main image: Mike Vizer (follow Mike on IG)

Written by Bird Dog

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