I almost got in a fight the other day, in Walmart of all places, and I’m really surprised it hasn’t ended up as a viral sensation on one of those great Instgram pages that specializes in those sort of things. But you’re on a dirtbike website, why are you reading about this? I don’t bruh, I was on a call this morning and they told me to write this dumbass story for the site. But at the end of this page, I’ve got a plan to propose so just skip to that if you’d like…
There I was with Corndog (my wifey, Aubrey) and Mini Corndog (my son, Brixton), pulling up our cart with 12 things that was about to run me a solid $312. The polite cashier asked me to tell the gentleman coming up behind me that her lane was closed after. Without even scanning my rearview mirror, I was already nervous for this proposition. As I busted a 180, my heart sank in my chest as I was basically nose-to-nose with Dan Chase (Jeff Bridges in The Old Man). For those lacking the reference, basically a big, beefy, likely 70-year-old gentlemen that you could tell had been through his fair share of bar fights – hell, his last one was probably just a few days prior to this encounter.
With a nervous gulp and quirky smile on my face I hesitantly asked this man to go to the next counter.
Before making it to the end of my question I’d heard a novel’s worth of profanities, and while he didn’t actually say, “I’m not moving” it was rather implied. I’m not one for confrontation, so I brushed it off and offered to let him go instead of us. He was still irate, throwing out a string of cuss words my Grandmother would’ve been proud of. At that point, my pretty little Corndog nicely asked he keep the foul language to himself. Mistake number dos on the Williams front, or so he thought.
As he started in on a tirade with her, Chilidog here started seeing red. My skinny ass grabbed a cucumber from the conveyor, got all up in grumpy guy’s face, and told him I’d basically beat him into submission with a vegetable unless he apologized to Corndoggie and the cashier. (Side note: Bird Dog Brent, that never writes here on vurbmoto anymore, taught me the Peacock method long ago. It’s the method where, when cornered, you throw up the damn tail feathers and make some noise, whether or not you’re about to be eaten alive or not. After all this time, it was finally time to employ this tactic. Go Go Gadget Peacock Tail!)
By this point, I was sure 14 cell phones were honed in on checkout #9, but my blood was boiling. Our conversation continued to escalate until he finally left the store and I got a handful of claps from some fellow grocery getters. As I sat the cucumber back up on the counter, I lowered my tail in relief. Corndog prevailed ladies and gentlemen, or at least that what I’ll always tell myself.
I’ve literally never been in a fight in my life. Perhaps a few verbal altercations during my college years in Athens, Georgia after I made some lemon drop fueled smartass remarks outside 80s Bar to some Cappa Phi Frat Bros (which I take complete accountability for now) but other than that, my record is clean as a whistle.
And that’s the way I plan to keep it, especially headed to REDDDBUDDD this weekend. So here’s the deal; I land at 1 p.m. in Chitown, gonna haul ass to B Lot, and I’m going to have a backpack full of swag and my GoPro to film it all. I want to have the complete opposite experience of my Wally World endeavor above.
I hope to have fun, meet some friends, chug off a bunch of those new friends, and give away hundreds of dollars of shopvurb.com tees and hats, and then have Jeff drive me to the hotel. What do I need from you? Epic vibes, some cold ass white claws, perhaps a funnel would be nice, and one massive request… the best eagle caws I’ve ever heard. Got it? Sweet! See ya around 4 p.m. on Friday!