THE SEARCH. This would actually be a great name for a future video project, so if nobody could steal this name, that would be wonderful. However, if you do steal it, please note that when my piece releases that is also called, THE SEARCH, that I can refer back to this article as proof that it was, in fact, my idea first. Okay? Okay.
Now that we have this out of the way, let’s dissect what exactly we are searching for, which could be any number of things. From love, and friendship, to a job or a home, all of us are in search of something. It can be a struggle to figure out what you’re after or what it is that will fulfill the void and make you feel complete. For me, I’ve had a sense of what I was in search of, however, I couldn’t articulate it and I didn’t fully embrace or accept what the answer was until, well… this year. The answer? I warn you, it’s vague. Okay, are you ready? I am in search of a (insert drum roll here)… A feeling of creating something that can provide an impact on all of us. Wow. Boring, I know. Allow me to explain…
As I’ve described in past articles, I grew up on a foundation of old school punk rock music, in high school I was greatly entrenched in the emo/screamo genre as it felt all too relatable to all the girl problems we teenagers experienced. However, shortly after high school, I had grown out of the emo scene and needed a break from the punk rock genre. However, I had no idea what I needed musically. I just knew I was bored with all of it. And then, Tom DeLonge released a song under his new band name (circa 2006) Angels & Airwaves called The Adventure. The ethos of that band is rooted in being empathetic, compassionate, believing in yourself, being the change you yourself want to see in the world, and so on. Since my discovery and now long term love affair with the music this band creates, it has instilled in me a desire to create things of meaning. At the time, I was working at Disneyland or Starbucks or Target or other nine to five jobs, so it took me quite some time before I was able to start “creating” things that I felt would have an impact. But, this feeling… I’ve been chasing it since day one, trying to figure out what exactly that means, what exactly it looks like, and how exactly I achieve that. It has eluded me.
Perhaps this is better saved for an entirely different Frame of Mind, but in January of 2021, I started seeing a psychologist to work on a lot of mental health issues that I suffer from. It’s now December 2021, and I still see my therapist every Monday morning. It’s been of great benefit for me to learn much about the wiring of my brain, what my triggers are, WHAT causes them and why. Throughout this process, we’ve spoken a lot about my work and my incredible insecurities of being absolutely terrible at my job. Sincerely, I do not believe I am good at what I do, but throughout 2021 we’ve been working to understand why I feel that way, what brings up those feelings, and how to find a hint of confidence in my abilities. The point of my telling you this is because it’s helped me to solidify that I am unequivocally after a feeling. When I listen to certain Angels & Airwaves songs or certain records, it elicits an intense feeling of empowerment and a feeling of being able to go out and rule the world in order to make a difference. Now, I realize my impact on a global scale is precisely zero. But, what if I can figure a way to create a piece of work that can elicit those feelings for even just one person and also provide me with a feeling of creating a piece of work that matters and can make a difference or inspire?
Angels & Airwaves released their first record this year after what was basically a seven year hiatus. And, to say the band came out swinging is, in my opinion, an understatement. It’s a record that moved me for a lot of reasons: lyrically, musically, the art work, music videos, etc. And then they went on tour and, of course, we saw them a couple of times. One of which was with some friends that had never seen them before and even they were like, “Holy shit. Yeah, these guys are incredible.” Watching them live on this tour really stood out to me and sparked some ideas I’ve been in search of for some time. Seeing a band perform their art live has a visual element that provides another layer to the songs. It makes them feel alive. So, how do I create a film that can elicit those same feelings as when you see your favorite band live? How can I create something of substance that genuinely matters and affects people in an uplifting and positive fashion? Is it even possible?
The answer? I don’t know. But, I know that I have kept these feelings buried for a lot of years because of my own trepidations. I am now to a point where I want to figure this out and see if it’s possible. Seriously, think about it… You stand in a dark room with a crowd of strangers, anxiously awaiting your favorite band to take the stage. The band has some mysterious intro song that plays as the venue begins to vibrate and the energy ready to burst because of the anticipation. The musicians then take the stage, you and the crowd around are losing your minds, then they hit that first note of their first song and the laser light show and the crowd explode. In my opinion, it’s such a unique and chilling experience. Thus, how do I create that same energy and feeling within the medium of cinematography and filmmaking? THAT is the feeling I am in search of. I watch shows like MindHunter, The Queen’s Gambit, and The Flight Attendant and I would think about how cool it would be to do that. But, now? My frame of mind (no pun intended) has changed over the last year. Instead, I am thinking about how I NEED TO DO THAT. I need to be at that level and create strong pieces of work that, in my opinion, matter. Being such a visual person, so many of the visuals in shows like the aforementioned strike me in an emotional fashion, and then you couple that with the unbelievable able writing, directing, casting, production design, etc and you have yourself something fucking magical. So, again, how do I create something of that level that can also be digested in a similar fashion as seeing your favorite band live? The easy answer is a theatrical release, but I would argue it still needs to be superior to that, yet I don’t know what that looks like. Perhaps, like a philosopher ponders over the meaning of life and the universe, I have been pondering about the feeling I am after and how to achieve that. Unfortunately, my mind is not to the level of a philosopher. It’s along the lines of a child jacked up on Mountain Dew.
Come the beginning of 2022, we here at vurbmoto will have some very unique video pieces to start sharing with you. Some are more longform, others are less than three minutes in length. But, all of them are what I feel to be the beginning of me trying to put my best foot forward as a cinematographer and create something that evokes a feeling and separates myself further from the “everything else everyone is already doing” vibes. The other stuff has its place and people love it. That’s good. I just don’t have the interest in being apart of what the rest of the cliche is doing. To be following the trends is, in my opinion, allowing yourself to fail in art of forward-thinking and progression. Some of what we will release over the next few months maybe deeply disliked by some. Hell, it may not even be that good. But, what I know to be the truth is my endeavors put forth to push myself in these upcoming pieces, even if you can’t or don’t see it. And, while one day I sincerely hope to have “ASC” after my last name, my desires are not rooted in those material distractions. They are rooted in making a piece of work that has a lasting impression on an individual. And, in being truthful to myself and my craft, the accolades I hope to potentially achieve one day will follow because of the passion and drive. As David Goggins once said, ““A warrior is a guy that goes, I’m here again today. I’ll be here again tomorrow and the next day. It’s a person who puts no limit on what’s possible.”So, let the search commence.